She

She found me. In the most unlikely of circumstances. Under a heap of snow along the treacherous mountain trail near Bhujbasha. She. Abandoned for being a girl. Me. Abandoned for not being woman enough. I was lost, hungry and freezing. She was nearly lifeless wrapped in a torn red blanket. She barely opened her eyes and I saw hope. When they found us, lead by the spot of red, there was little life left in either of us. But we survived. She and I. Married by fate. Bonded for life. Meet Adia, a gift in Afrikaans.

But..

"Did I disappoint you or let you down?

Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?

'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,

Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.

So I took what's mine by eternal right.

Took your soul out into the night.

It may be over but it won't stop there,

I am here for you if you'd only care.

You touched my heart you touched my soul.

You changed my life and all my goals.

And love is blind and that I knew when,

My heart was blinded by you.

I've kissed your lips and held your head.

Shared your dreams and shared your bed.

I know you well, I know your smell.

I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.Goodbye my friend.

You have been the one.

You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer but when I wake,

You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.

And as you move on, remember me,

Remember us and all we used to be

I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.

I've watched you sleeping for a while.

I'd be the mother of your child.

I'd spend a lifetime with you.

I know your fears and you know mine.

We've had our doubts but now we're fine,

And I love you, I swear that's true.

I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.Goodbye my friend.

You have been the one.You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.

In mine when I'm asleep.

And I will bear my soul in time,

When I'm kneeling at your feet.

Goodbye my lover.Goodbye my friend.

You have been the one.You have been the one for me.

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.

I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow."

It’s not yet Good Bye. Not till I forget your smile (when it just starts to creep slowly and your lips curl in a boyish curve and then it lights up your eyes)...the touch of your hands (your beautiful hands, hands of an artist).... your voice (and how it changes from deep to erotic)...your smell (fresh... like after a rain, sweet like a cotton candy and heady like champagne)...the feel of your skin (smooth like a dewdrop....the roughness of your chest while I listen to your heart)...your eyes (when they laugh, when they drill me with anger, when they are moist with hurt and when they shine down on me)....

Today

10.30AM. 91.9FM. ‘Wish you were here’

Parade of people; dead-and-in-touch, definitely-alive-but-not-in-touch, running through my head. It is amazing how one can be dead but be everywhere you want them to be and how one can be alive but not be anywhere when you need them the most. I am being selfish in my expectations. All of our priorities are so very personal. Should it hurts when someone is not available in anyway when all you want is to be there for that someone in everyway possible

Over the last two/three months, I have re-connected with old friends. The result was invigorating. We are back in each other’s lives and catch up on what’s cooking in our kitchens, the age tantrums of our kids who collectively are between 2 and 6 years. We knew each other as rambling schoolgirls. Now, all of us are mothers and managers, and life has changed in more ways than one. But still, it feels like homecoming when we all get together through varying time zones and geographies thanks to worldwideweb.

For a while now, I have known someone and a lot has happened over twilight and several shots of tequila. It felt ecstatic. I felt alive. I felt I had to do something about my life, which was in a limbo for years. So, I picked up courage to break away from an abusive relationship of nine years. I walked away from a life hereto familiar but one in which I was comfortably numb. They say when you love someone you ‘want’ to live. And so the journey began. All familiar equations changed. All that I knew till then, fell apart. All those I had known became strangers. Not only did I change the equation for myself, but also for someone I am responsible for. Was it difficult? Oh yes. It isn’t easy to let go of something traumatic when it’s the only thing you have known for a while. Pain at least was familiar. Bliss wasn’t. But the catalyst had arrived and change was inevitable. The days were no longer a laundry lists of ‘tasks-to-complete’. I began to enjoy the sunshine on my drive to work. I began to linger in the moments when I woke up in the morning. I actually thought of taking a vacation and surprisingly worked on it. I began to long for the familiarity, the terms of endearment, the secret jokes that only lovers share, the little intimate idiosyncrasies and the overwhelming joy of loving someone. It energized my mornings and calmed my nights and it made me fall in love with myself. We shared dreams and fantasies. We shared funny stories and laughter. We shared moments made in heaven. We shared passion and fervor. We shared secrets and fears. We shared all that two people in love can.

But..

Martyr's Day!

It was a rather ordinary 30th January morning. Cool not cold. Breezy but not blustery. Only change was the luxury of getting up at 8 instead of the customary 5.30 on a weekday. Today, the schools are closed therefore the blessed few hours of additional bliss. He comes and hugs me. Big smile on his face. The naughty, impish smile that turns me to jell-o. “Happy Birthday Mommy!” I smile. I am a sucker for charm. So there I was’ jell-oed’ and looking at him with adoration that only mothers can garner. More hugs and sloppy kisses. Wonder if all this is for me or because of the school holiday! The morning routine continues and after the usual trials and tribulations I reach my workplace. My team-mates wish with enthused vigour and even my boss remembers to wish. To my credit my ex-boss-turned-mentor also called to wish : ). Among the misses, my best friend forgot (I actually send a mail saying thanks for not wishing!), as did the significant other who did call but much later than I had expected (expected the call at mid night!). A couple of important friends forgot too but with growing age I find it significantly easier to forgive such negligence : ). Among the surprises, was a phone call from someone I met recently and who under normal circumstances isn’t supposed to know this detail about my life. The day proceeded smoothly. I took some of my colleagues out for lunch and it turned out to be quite pleasant.

Between pending work and numerous phone calls the work-day got over. I head home with thoughts jostling in my head. One more year of crucial failures. One more year of dreams-on-hold. One more year of not being where-I-want-to-be. One more year of getting wiser. One more year of living life. One more year of adding to the list of things-I-have-to-do-before-I-die. I think I am tired.

Took the elevator. Reached home. And there they were. Cake. Australian Merlot. Candles. The works. Between Dad and Ro they have arranged all my’ favourites’. The party for four continued till late. Over dinner, Ro promises to buy me a b-i-g diamond ring once he grows up. We laugh for a while. I miss my brother. I miss not being able to share this with someone important. Even as I watch my ‘truncated’ family, I count my blessings. That ‘promise’ was the most beautiful gift anyone could have given me. Life doesn’t dole out these moments. We earn them.

P.S. My best friend send a beautiful note the next day that I would preserve for life : )