saucerful of secrets

She has never been afraid to love. The exhilarating dizziness of giving herself completely to that one feeling.  She doesn’t do anything in half measures. The complete submission to that quivering happiness and the unknown trepidation that is at once bitter and sweet. It had been love that had finally set her free. Free of all the fears that were holding her back. It was love that like the delicate kite string, let her soar, yet held her gently to her reality. In it she found her freedom, as the spaces within her soul stirred a familiar music, the rhythms rising and falling with the swaying heart.  

fistful of stars

She poised briefly, to reflect on the year that is almost over. Then she realized there was nothing truly to reflect on. Truth is, that the year was over and another one was waiting to break dawn. It doesn’t surprise her that there is nothing to wish for anymore. She has everything that she will ever need. The familiar joys, the little heartbreaks, the momentary flush of happiness – she can hold them all in her soft palms and cherish the known sensations. No she doesn’t have anything at all to wish for. She has never been greedy and has always accepted life’s gifts with humility and hope. Most importantly, she knows she has herself and that is something she will never ever lose again.

struggle

At the end of yet another year, she finds herself struggling to find inspiration. Those fleeting moments of magic that can lift any dull day. The heady lapses into forbidden indulgences. The thrills of the unexpected and the unfamiliar. The unexplainable feeling of wellbeing and the transient yet memorable wholesomeness of affection.

miss You!

 It is that time of the year again. The world dresses up to usher in another new year, the forced festivities that seem to be de rigour and suddenly there are happy people everywhere. It is at this time that she feels most alone. It is not that she is against anything, but all this cheerfulness makes her acutely aware of that one person she doesn’t have in her life anymore. With whom she would want to share the merriment with. Her earliest memories with her brother and how they always found their own things to do to celebrate – going for the midnight mass despite not being Christian, walking around Park Street watching the crowd, baking cakes to give away, decorating their tree, feeding the hungry strays and helping out in the orphanage. It was always his generous spirit that infected her wholly - his welcoming smile, his disregard for the riches, his sincere belief in world peace, his brilliant mind, his ability to always find someone to help, his melodious voice and his ease in mingling with people from all walks of life. She always had looked at his selflessness in wonderment and urged herself to keep up. They were always more than siblings. They were twin souls separated by a few years at birth. Therefore, it is during this season of cheer that she missed him the most.

i Alone

Today she is irritated with herself. It is not like her to get distracted this easily. But when she found herself unable to focus on the task at hand, it puzzled her. The distractions were many but there is one particular one that seems to bother her the most. Like a tiny piece of meat stuck in between her teeth, it constantly reminded her of her predicament. Try as she might, it was impossible to dislodge the thought. More she contorted her mind to be rid of it, the more menacingly firm it remained. Finally she decided to accept the situation and wait for it to melt away after a while. The anticipation of the ambiguous emotions that were aroused in its wake was something she knew she had to tackle alone. She whispered to herself, 'I alone love you' from an old forgotten song and wrapped her arms around herself the best she could and waited for the uneasiness to pass. 

say Something!

Today was that day. The album released last month on the 7th and I resisted listening to it since, even on the radio. But today I gave in to the temptation and downloaded it. Predictably, a marathon session of all our favourite songs followed. It took hours and I listened to them all, yes, alone. For the first time in the last 10 years. You would have loved their latest album. It is all that we love about the band - their sounds; the escapist metaphors; the abstract feeling of void that creeps in slowly till it engulfs and swallows you whole; the unreasonable restlessness and the discomfort it evokes in our uneventful lives. We should have listened to it together. Except you are dead and I am having to have this conversation in my head. Do you realise how painful that is? Having no one to understand, that subtle shifts of emotions, that pain that is apparently still as raw, and that empty hole that you have left in my heart? It will be insignificant to say that I miss you. You took a part of me with you and I can never ever find myself again, the way I did with you. Now, I want that part back. Ten years is too long a time to have to live without it. I am not giving up on us, yet.