ghost

I saw you last evening. In someone else’s eyes. The slight tilt of your head, while staring at me as the seconds passed. I had learnt to hold that stare without squirming in my skin. Instinctively, I held his stare till I realized it wasn’t you. The chin was all wrong as was his mouth. In a familiar airport, over the brim of my ice float, I watched you disintegrate into someone else. For once, I didn’t wish for it to be you. Then, I wouldn’t have savoured the sweet sensation of a frozen moment from a life lived long ago. Our magic, will remain ours till eternity, precisely because it can never be recreated in some other place or with someone else. No one else can ever love me the way you did. The way we completed each other’s thoughts and our passion that overwhelmed every common sense, it was never meant to last. That electric moment, reminded me of how you opened the joi de vivre that's now all mine to savour through life.

 

waiting to exhale

Today, she needed the silence, more than any other day. The chaos around her made little impression on her. It is however, the ache somewhere deep inside, that needed her attention. Earlier, she had surprised herself by sliding into uncharted emotions, in haste. The soft quick-sand of passion, cushioned her as it drew her more into the sink hole of turgidity. Once the hard reality hit her, she woke up sorely, clutching the still warm sand that quickly slipped through her fingers leaving a coarseness that she was unaccustomed to. She sighed, trying to gather her thoughts. Why should it hurt at all, she wonders. The pleasure was so fleeting that she would have missed it, had she bothered to blink. The shadows of intimacy lay around her in shards of a broken mirror, reflecting the truth that she was too late to see. Why did she always demand so little and gave everything in return. Perhaps because there is no cure for stupidity.

eternal sunshine....

Can I ever erase the love I feel for you? It's just not the same with anyone else. It never will be. The way you looked at me from the other side of a crowded room that made me forget my words in the middle of a sentence. The way you never asked me before picking up something you liked from my plate while we dined together for the first time. How you would suddenly lean over and nuzzle my neck while watching a boring television show. How you would irritate me by always opening my tied hair. How you always knew when that unknown sadness welled up inside me and would tenderly hold my hand and pull me in your arms and let me cry till it passed. How you knew all my fears and never ever judged me on it. How you would always ask for my opinion even when I knew very little about your work. How you would never hesitate to introduce me even when you knew your friends thought I was trouble. How you always said that I should only get drunk with you because no one else should have to be subjected to my wild side.  My heart, strangely, fills up with happiness when I think of you now. Memories of our moments, like the magic of a fairy tale, lifts me up when I feel I am sinking. I should thank you for these memories. I still have them to hold on. While I weave the rich tapestry of my life, everyone sees the smooth shine of the fabric, only you had turned me upside down to feel those jumbled knots on the other side and still loving me the way only you could. 

Toska

Another airport, another city, another country. Same old feeling. Restlessness and wistfulness mixed with a longing with nothing to long for. It feels strange yet calming. She gets lost once again in the human cacophony and the mundane soundtrack of other people's lives. 

Pigs On The Wings

She hates twilight. She has hated it for as long as she can remember. More so, as it descends on a city that isn't her home. She had only ever told him and no one else. As the darkness seeps in, blotting away the last light of the day, she contemplates her heightening desolation. The peace of living outside of her real life, for a day, is rudely overtaken by the crowding feeling of isolation. In a city brimming with people, company was just a dial away. But it is not a warm shoulder or a chilled drink that she seeks. She misses her happy disposition and her effortless smile. Perhaps it is the spill over tiredness from the last few days, perhaps it is the mistake of giving too much of herself. This will have to go away she tells herself, as she curls up in bed, waiting for sleep.

obscured by the clouds

She watches the ocean in silence. It always invokes a sense of longing in her. If only she knew what for. It’s a familiar restlessness that rises in her chest and falls with the rhythmic beating of her heart. It’s not painful, but she winces a little inside with the tide of emotions surging and abating with precision. If only she could deduct the reason for it, she would wrap this up neatly within a moment’s notice. Was it the call of a faraway land. Was it the willingness to seek anonymity in an unknown crowd. Was it the emptiness of unaccustomed feelings. Was it the inevitable numbness that follows a short lived excitement.

 

saucerful of secrets

She has never been afraid to love. The exhilarating dizziness of giving herself completely to that one feeling.  She doesn’t do anything in half measures. The complete submission to that quivering happiness and the unknown trepidation that is at once bitter and sweet. It had been love that had finally set her free. Free of all the fears that were holding her back. It was love that like the delicate kite string, let her soar, yet held her gently to her reality. In it she found her freedom, as the spaces within her soul stirred a familiar music, the rhythms rising and falling with the swaying heart.  

fistful of stars

She poised briefly, to reflect on the year that is almost over. Then she realized there was nothing truly to reflect on. Truth is, that the year was over and another one was waiting to break dawn. It doesn’t surprise her that there is nothing to wish for anymore. She has everything that she will ever need. The familiar joys, the little heartbreaks, the momentary flush of happiness – she can hold them all in her soft palms and cherish the known sensations. No she doesn’t have anything at all to wish for. She has never been greedy and has always accepted life’s gifts with humility and hope. Most importantly, she knows she has herself and that is something she will never ever lose again.

struggle

At the end of yet another year, she finds herself struggling to find inspiration. Those fleeting moments of magic that can lift any dull day. The heady lapses into forbidden indulgences. The thrills of the unexpected and the unfamiliar. The unexplainable feeling of wellbeing and the transient yet memorable wholesomeness of affection.

miss You!

 It is that time of the year again. The world dresses up to usher in another new year, the forced festivities that seem to be de rigour and suddenly there are happy people everywhere. It is at this time that she feels most alone. It is not that she is against anything, but all this cheerfulness makes her acutely aware of that one person she doesn’t have in her life anymore. With whom she would want to share the merriment with. Her earliest memories with her brother and how they always found their own things to do to celebrate – going for the midnight mass despite not being Christian, walking around Park Street watching the crowd, baking cakes to give away, decorating their tree, feeding the hungry strays and helping out in the orphanage. It was always his generous spirit that infected her wholly - his welcoming smile, his disregard for the riches, his sincere belief in world peace, his brilliant mind, his ability to always find someone to help, his melodious voice and his ease in mingling with people from all walks of life. She always had looked at his selflessness in wonderment and urged herself to keep up. They were always more than siblings. They were twin souls separated by a few years at birth. Therefore, it is during this season of cheer that she missed him the most.

i Alone

Today she is irritated with herself. It is not like her to get distracted this easily. But when she found herself unable to focus on the task at hand, it puzzled her. The distractions were many but there is one particular one that seems to bother her the most. Like a tiny piece of meat stuck in between her teeth, it constantly reminded her of her predicament. Try as she might, it was impossible to dislodge the thought. More she contorted her mind to be rid of it, the more menacingly firm it remained. Finally she decided to accept the situation and wait for it to melt away after a while. The anticipation of the ambiguous emotions that were aroused in its wake was something she knew she had to tackle alone. She whispered to herself, 'I alone love you' from an old forgotten song and wrapped her arms around herself the best she could and waited for the uneasiness to pass.